so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
