WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I cut my penus on the lid.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
