I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
