Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
