May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
