I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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