when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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