He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
