Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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