Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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