Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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