youre lurking in front of me
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
