wanna go halves on a baby?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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