R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
