Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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