and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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