she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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