atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
