you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
