And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
