I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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