Welp...herpes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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