I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My vagina just recognized that song.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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