I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize