Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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