Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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