we have officially mastered the walk of shame
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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