If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You ever have a fart follow you around?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
