so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
