She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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