Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
