It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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