awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
