My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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