It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize