I must be too annoying 4 u.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
