i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
