I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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