I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
