please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
