WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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