i think my tv is drunk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You left your phone here
Wait...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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