Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
