Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
