My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
