I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize