i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
