Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
