I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
