The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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