I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
