I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
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