You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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