Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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