I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
