I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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