If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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