Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
