I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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