so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Can I color on your dick again?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
