oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
