Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
