You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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