i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
